Right before the race, the guys were talking about bloody nipples and chaffing, and I was cracking up. Well, it came back and bit me because my collar bones chaffed on my tank top! Seriously, this has NEVER happened. How strange, right? My tank had spaghetti straps, and was really sweaty, so maybe that's why? But anyway, I have two scabby dots on my collar bones and then one in the center of my chest.
I guess I deserve it for making fun of the guys' bloody nipples!
PS - Nice little tan I'm developing, right? :)
So I didn't put yesterday's run up because when I plugged in my ipod it told me to go to the Nike website. So if anyone's keeping track (no? just me?) here's my run. Like I said, I stopped at 3.75 miles because I saw JJ, so I stopped for a minute, then walked the last .3 miles home.
So it's been a while since I posted a Fat-Ash picture. I have been having a hard time finding any that really show how big I was... I had a tendency to delete, erase, or throw away any that I thought were too bad. However, I did find this one. Had I been with anyone else, I'd have thrown it away... but I met Nick and Jessica when they were filming Newlyweds. It was a big deal. I thought I looked awful, but I still wanted to show people the photo... So here's me, working at Hallmark during college.... with Nick and Jess!
WAS I REALLY THAT FAT?!?!
Ok, that's better. That's me. That's who I see in the mirror now.
And who I deluded myself into thinking I was back then.
Ok, so today I took a day of rest. My calories were probably at a net of 0. Starting tomorrow, I'm hoping to net -750 to -1000 each day, that will take me to -1.5 lbs. per week.
So today I was thinking about the past. When I was 250 lbs., squeezing into a size 22, I remember thinking to myself, "gosh, if I could wear a size 14, I'd be so happy. And if I could wear a size 10, wow. That would be amazing. And if I could just run 1 mile... I'd be so fit! If I could run a 10k with my family, I'd be amazing!" And honestly, I'm so proud of myself for what I've accomplished. It still sometimes seems surreal... I always thought if I could just run a few miles, I'd have the easiest time losing weight. And if I could run a half marathon, I'd be so skinny....but then I still feel so chubby sometimes. And now I think to myself, "if I could just wear single digits in pants... if I could run a half marathon at a sub 10 minute mile pace, if I could wear a bikini, if I had no gut, if my thighs didn't jiggle..." Will I ever be happy? Will I ever feel like I've done enough? I can't really say. Sometimes I feel like I still have sooooooooo far to go. And I'll never be satisfied. And it's daunting. 20 lbs. is daunting. Honestly, sometimes I don't know how in the world I pushed myself to lose 85 lbs. I mean, did I really do that?!
So tell me, are you satisfied? Do you have "If only's" that haunt you on a daily basis? Do you feel like it's never enough? How do you tell yourself that you are ok where you are?
Perhaps when I'm clinically no longer "overweight" I'll see things more clearly. 15 lbs. will take me there, 20 lbs. will put me where I want to be. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.....
Boy do I hear you! I've lost about 80 pounds from my heaviest weight ever but still want to lose another 15 or so but I always wonder if that was enough. I seriously remember thinking the EXACT same things... if only I was a size 14, if only I worked out more, if only I... and now that I work out 4-5 times a week and wear a size 10, I still have major issues with my body image, but I'm working on it. I don't know if I'll ever feel 100% about my body but I'm working on it...
ReplyDeleteby was, I meant WILL BE enough. Oops!
ReplyDeleteBut I know it's YOU who has to feel good about yourself, but you seriously look amazing!
Reading blogs has taught me that I'm not in a dingy, I'm on the same boat with about 10,000 other people. I too had lost about 80 pounds in 7 years and still thought, just a little more. On paper, at my lowest, I was still overweight a little and my goal has always been to lose 100. I've gained about 20 pounds since running my 1st marathon in October and I tell you that while I am mad at myself for that and because I can barely run 3 miles now, it's shown me that I didn't realize how good of shape I was really in when I just wanted to lose 10 more pounds. I think when I get back to where I was I'm going to have a greater appreciation for it. But gaining, just to see the light, I do not recommend! Take my word for it instead!
ReplyDeleteI've lost over 100lbs and I feel the SAME EXACT WAY! I still have a few pounds before I am clinically no longer 'overweight' and I feel like those few pounds wont make a difference. I just want to get to the end already!
ReplyDeleteFirst off I want to say Damn Girl you look good. Second, no one feels 90% great about themselves all the time. But look at what you have done, look at the new amazing you!
ReplyDeleteI think what is important is that you keep in mind the awesome things you ARE: strong, determined, healthy, inspiring... etc. Don't focus on what else you can do but think about the positive things you ARE doing now. Keep making healthy choices & love your body for what it does for you... you rock that bod! :)
ReplyDeleteYou can do it Ash! And you look beautiful! I feel that, especially as women, no matter how much we achieve there will be another step we can take to be even better. Its hard for anyone, including myself, to learn to look how far you have come, instead of how far you have to go. You have completed something amazing, and even if you never lost another pound you still would have that achievement to your name. Everyone has a "I'd be happy if", from the skinniest girls, to the top lawyers, to the A-list actresses. Be proud of what you have done, you're amazing! Everyone thinks so =)
ReplyDeleteYou can totally do it! You look amazing and even more importantly look at how healthy you are now! I'm really still just starting my journey to getting healthy and you are a total inspiration!
ReplyDeleteyou my friend are a success in every way! congrats on all you have done and all you continue to do!
ReplyDeleteNot to be redundant, BUT... You are so lovely. :) There aren't a lot of people out there who are completely satisfied with themselves. That's just who we are as a culture. Its good to have drive and its amazing what you've accomplished so far. We all have insecurities. I hate, loathe and despise wearing a bikini, but because I'm smaller people assume that I'm just being over dramatic. Not so; I just don't feel comfortable and that's that. I tell myself that if I just did a little more yoga or a little more cardio it would be fine and I could feel confident. But who knows. There would probably just be something else for me to complain about. We all do it. You have accomplished an amazing goal and I know that you will achieve your next goal also. Viel Glück!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I am scared I will never be staisfied.
ReplyDeleteI have already hit, and adjusted my goal weight, 3 times. I have a new goal I am working towards.
I tetter between wanting to always challenge myself, and being happy with where I am at.
Do you use Body Glide? That really helps with chaffing.
I'm constantly working towards a goal, but I hope one day it won't be a weight goal. Sometimes, I have to give my head a shake and remind myself that I am a happy, healthy person and that the number on the scale doesn't define me (do I sound like an infomercial or what?). I hope I'm not forever working on my body image issues. For now though, I'm working towards my goals and working towards accepting my body, jiggly belly and all :)
ReplyDeleteFirst of all you look BEAUTIFUL in that second shot. That was your new dress right? I think that you have come such a long way and have so many amazing things to be proud of both in reference to fitness and other aspects of your life like moving to a new place and all of your cooking and baking. I think it's just human nature to feel like we could do more or be more. It shows that you are driven and you have goals for yourself. Once upon a time, a size 12 would have been great, but you have blown that goal out of the water, so it's only natural to keeping upping the anti and creating new goals. Totally normal! Keep it up because you are doing an amazing job!
ReplyDeletei've totally got the same tank top tan :) i'm glad it's something though.
ReplyDeletelike i posted the other day, i still dont love my legs and there are times when i still think i'm fat, but honestly i am at my lowest weight i should be at. and i do know this and know it's enough - why? for me it's because i told myself i wanted to get to xxx lbs, which has always been my ideal weight and a weight in which i should not lose any more. and i got there.
Keep with it! You'll get there!
I don't know about you, but I'm always trying to improve something about myself whether it's my body or something else in my life. So, it makes sense to me that you've kept adjusting your goals. Just remember, you're human; some things might always jiggle a little, but you look AMAZING so anything lost or toned from here is icing on the cake! Never lose sight of the fact that you've lost 85 pounds!!! That's quite a feat, something not everyone does for sure! Good luck in the rest of your journey =)
ReplyDeleteI don't have much to lose and I can't say that I have been in the position to have to lose more than just 10 pounds here or there. Just like everyone else on here I have not come to terms with the fact that after two kids I have this belly that looks like I'm still 3 months pregnant that just wont go away. I've been on a strict calorie count for the last 7 days and have managed to lose a pound a day but looking in the mirror I can still see that what I was trying to accomplish, to lose that belly hanging there, doesn't seem to be going as I planned.
ReplyDeleteYou are a true inspiration and I'm sure that you feel the love your followers have for you and for all you've done. I hope we all find some sort of peace with our bodies some day. Best of Luck.
New commenter here :) I feel that way now! I have so much weight to lose and I think all the time "If I were a size X it would be amazing!" I've been trying really to focus on what I can do now and how I should feel accomplished with the progress I've already made, but it's hard. I hope that once I start to actually SEE the improvements it'll get easier.
ReplyDeleteLove your blog!
New commenter also! Just wanted to tell you that I have your blog on my reader and you inspire me daily to work out! Thanks for all your hard work.
ReplyDeleteLauren
Why would you delete my NO FAT TALK comment? By calling your picture a "fat-ash" picture and asking yourself "was I really that fat" is horribly offensive. It's a sign you might have an eating disorder.
ReplyDeleteHow is it horribly offensive? It's completely factual and statistical information. I was fat. I was clinically obese. You can see 100 lbs. of excess fat on that "ash". I never saw how fat I really was back then, I tried to ignore it, I didn't come to terms with who I really was back then.
ReplyDeleteIf you'd like to talk to me, shoot me an email, if not, I'm going to ignore this comment because it makes no sense.
And if you're still offended, don't read my blog. This is my online diary, not your reading assignment! I'm a nice person, but I won't take unsolicited ridicule.
To Anonymous- you could make another person out of the 100 pounds of extra fat on 'fat' Ash- that is the reality - and she did something amazing and got up and worked out hard to get to a healthy weight- so how can you even say she has an eating disorder- how disrespectful - she just did a half MARATHON thats not exactly a puking in the toilet type 'eating disorder!!'
ReplyDeleteTo Ash- I know what you mean about deluding yourself!! About 5 years ago when I was overweight I would take photos of myself that looked flattering and honestly didnt even SEE the extra weight until my sister took some candid snapshots of me (full body) and I saw myself for REAL! I am amazed at how I was able to 'see' something different in the mirror- I had high confidence I guess and just didnt 'feel' like a fat person!! Or see myself as one!! Even when my mom tactfully pointed it out when I went home for a vacation I cried and told her she was mean and that I wasnt fat etc etc!!! I was about 15 kgs overweight!!
On a more positive note- Ive also had this realization that I want to share with everyone-if you arent morbidly obsese, if you are working on those last 13-10-5 pounds- whatever the number- DONT beat yourself up and DONT not go to events (like the beach in your bikini etc) because you dont think you are perfect yet- looking over old photos has also shown me that at times in the past when i THOUGHt I was fat I was actually thinner and prettier than I thought - and you know what- with age - when you look back at yourself in 50 years at old pics you are going to think 'wow, I was so young and pretty and wrinkle free, WHY did I not want to wear a bikini to the beach!?' So keep working on yourself, but keep positive too and work on removing any negative body thoughts!! Or else you may find yourself at 120 pounds and STILL beating yourself up mentally for jiggly thighs etc :) You are young, you are fit and you are beautiful -revel in these times!!!
Haven't you read other blogs about how negative fat talk is. Okay, so you were fat, but does it make you feel any better by calling yourself that?
ReplyDeleteLooking at those photos, and describing myself in that way reminds me of how much I hated being fat. How much hurt it caused me. How I missed out on so many things.
ReplyDeleteThen I realize that because of the changes I made, I lost so much weight. But I still have a ways to go to no longer be overweight.
So actually, the fact talk rejuvinates me and makes me realize how I need to keep going strong so I don't revert back to that. Remembering how fat I was gives me motivation to work harder. Talking about how fat I was is what helps others who are currently fat find motivation. I know what I'm talking about, they can relate to me.
The way I use fat, and your "fat talk" are not at all the same.
And also, I use fat simply as an adjective that describes the excess amount of weight, literally fat, that I was carrying. I don't use it as a negative, cutting, put-down word. Maybe if you read the archives of my blog, and actually knew who I was, you'd understand. I give so much positive energy to people, but I don't sugar coat anything. It's all about being healthy and tough love.
ReplyDeleteNo need to get offended. I'm just looking out for girls who will read you blog entry and think they are fat because they look like your before picture, which would cause someone to starve themselves. That's all!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, you need to relax, sweetie. You're being a little over dramatic.
ReplyDeleterunsleepsinserepeat I think you need to relax. Body image is a sensitive subject and an eating disorder shouldn't be pushed under the rug.
ReplyDeleteOh geez, if you ever read my blog, you'll see that I PREACH diet and exercise. I PREACH clean eating, healthy lifestyle, moderation. Clearly you're on a witch hunt, and I'm not going to fall victim to this. No one will ever develop an eating disorder because they saw me as fat, if they look like I did in that photo, THEY ALREADY HAVE ONE! And maybe they'll see that I did it, I got healthy, THROUGH DIET AND EXERCISE! And they can too.
ReplyDeleteEnd of story.
You & I are definitely in the same place with this post. I just wrote a post regarding not being good enough when it comes to my running. But truly, it spills over into my weight as well. I have a ton of "if only's".
ReplyDeleteI love how people hide under anonymous when they're not confident enough to stand behind who they are.
This statement really cracked me up " I'm just looking out for girls who will read you blog entry and think they are fat because they look like your before picture".
Ummm, no offense to Ashlee, or anyone else out there of similar before-Ashlee size, but if you are that size, you are overweight. It's not about "thinking" you're fat, you are - every chart in the world will tell you so, and it's very unhealthy and you should do something about it.
Oh my, Anonymous. You're right. EDs should not be swept under the rug. But do you know Ashlee in real life? Since you're hiding behind being anonymous, I'm going to assume you don't. Well guess what, I DO. She does NOT have an eating disorder in any way, shape or form. You're being awfully judgmental towards someone that you don't even know. You saw one comment on this blog and you've run wild acting like you know Ashlee.
ReplyDeleteYou're awfully sensitive on this subject. Are you suffering from an ED? If you are, PLEASE get off the Internet, quit looking and blogs, and GET SOME HELP. Either.
I'm definitely not satisfied. I lost 35 pounds, and have been maintaining at about 160 for basically 2 years now. I'd love to lose a little... say, 10-15 pounds, so my stupid BMI is in the healthy weight range!
ReplyDeleteI'm calorie counting again to see what I'm putting in my mouth, but I struggle to balance my calories for weight loss with the energy I need to complete my heavy lifting days. :(
I'm right there with you. I feel like even though I have already lost 40 lbs, the next 20 are the ones that are proving to be the toughest. But we can do it...one DVD at a time, one mile at a time, one healthy meal at a time.
ReplyDeleteI also like to look back at prior pictures to serve as motivation. Even though I'm not where I want to be, I know that I am in a much better place then I was when I started this journey.
And you are too....congrats on finishing in the top half of your race group!!!
I'm sorry that there are some people that doubt the way you have worked so hard over the years to get to where you are. There are plenty of us that love the encouragement and real aspect of your struggles, it keeps us feeling like we can get to our best too!
You can do it! I'm jealous that you met Nick and Jessica-I never missed an episode!
ReplyDeleteI look back at pictures of me when I was my skinniest (and thought I was fat) and think, man if I only would have enjoyed how healthy I was at the time and stuck with it. I am so disappointed in myself.
ReplyDelete