Right before the race, the guys were talking about bloody nipples and chaffing, and I was cracking up. Well, it came back and bit me because my collar bones chaffed on my tank top! Seriously, this has NEVER happened. How strange, right? My tank had spaghetti straps, and was really sweaty, so maybe that's why? But anyway, I have two scabby dots on my collar bones and then one in the center of my chest.
I guess I deserve it for making fun of the guys' bloody nipples!
PS - Nice little tan I'm developing, right? :)
So I didn't put yesterday's run up because when I plugged in my ipod it told me to go to the Nike website. So if anyone's keeping track (no? just me?) here's my run. Like I said, I stopped at 3.75 miles because I saw JJ, so I stopped for a minute, then walked the last .3 miles home.
So it's been a while since I posted a Fat-Ash picture. I have been having a hard time finding any that really show how big I was... I had a tendency to delete, erase, or throw away any that I thought were too bad. However, I did find this one. Had I been with anyone else, I'd have thrown it away... but I met Nick and Jessica when they were filming Newlyweds. It was a big deal. I thought I looked awful, but I still wanted to show people the photo... So here's me, working at Hallmark during college.... with Nick and Jess!
WAS I REALLY THAT FAT?!?!
Ok, that's better. That's me. That's who I see in the mirror now.
And who I deluded myself into thinking I was back then.
Ok, so today I took a day of rest. My calories were probably at a net of 0. Starting tomorrow, I'm hoping to net -750 to -1000 each day, that will take me to -1.5 lbs. per week.
So today I was thinking about the past. When I was 250 lbs., squeezing into a size 22, I remember thinking to myself, "gosh, if I could wear a size 14, I'd be so happy. And if I could wear a size 10, wow. That would be amazing. And if I could just run 1 mile... I'd be so fit! If I could run a 10k with my family, I'd be amazing!" And honestly, I'm so proud of myself for what I've accomplished. It still sometimes seems surreal... I always thought if I could just run a few miles, I'd have the easiest time losing weight. And if I could run a half marathon, I'd be so skinny....but then I still feel so chubby sometimes. And now I think to myself, "if I could just wear single digits in pants... if I could run a half marathon at a sub 10 minute mile pace, if I could wear a bikini, if I had no gut, if my thighs didn't jiggle..." Will I ever be happy? Will I ever feel like I've done enough? I can't really say. Sometimes I feel like I still have sooooooooo far to go. And I'll never be satisfied. And it's daunting. 20 lbs. is daunting. Honestly, sometimes I don't know how in the world I pushed myself to lose 85 lbs. I mean, did I really do that?!
So tell me, are you satisfied? Do you have "If only's" that haunt you on a daily basis? Do you feel like it's never enough? How do you tell yourself that you are ok where you are?
Perhaps when I'm clinically no longer "overweight" I'll see things more clearly. 15 lbs. will take me there, 20 lbs. will put me where I want to be. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.....